Tommy Mitchell / The Rurban Church Blog

The Best and Worst Gifts I Have Ever Given My Wife!

Gift giving is my love language.  It does not have to necessarily be a "store purchased" gift - but I do love to surprise her with gifts - purchased, made by me, 0r other surprises like a surprise night out - etc..

The best "gift giving" I have ever pulled off was the 20 year anniversary.  We were married on Dec. 16th, so on January 16th (before the 20th anniversary coming up at the end of the year) I gave her a gift.  I did not tell her why and she just thought I was being nice.  On February 16th, I gave her another gift.  On March 16th, she figured out I was giving her a gift every month.  And so it continued through November.  She really liked the 16th of each month. 

Then when we hit December 1st, I had 7 gifts on her dresser - one for each of the first 7 days.   Then another 7 for the next 7 days! That got us through the 14th.  Then I had a special gift on the 15th and an even more special one on the anniversary date of December 16th.  I have never quite been able to top the 20th year! Obviously I am already working hard on ideas for the 40th anniversary!

Well, the worst gift idea I had is ..... well.... I really meant well - but most of the women will probably agree that it was not the best idea.  I had conducted a funeral one day for a lady who loved roses.  She was well known for all her beautiful roses.  So you can imagine that at her funeral about the only kind of flower present was some type of rose.  They were beautiful.  When I said the final prayer at the cemetery, it looked like we were standing in an amazing rose garden.  The family spoke up and said for everyone to take as many roses as they wanted. They felt like the deceased would have loved for that to happen.  Well, there literally hundreds of beautiful red roses.  I pulled out a dozen and took them home and put them in vase as a gift for my wife. 

When she walked in and saw them  -- she said almost immediately - "you didn't!" "You didn't bring me roses from a a funeral!!!!!!?????"  Well, I did! To this day I don't know how they looked that much different from any other dozen roses - except they cost me nothing - and I think that was part of the problem.  Anyway, I have never brought her gifts from a funeral again!!!!!!!!!!

 

7 Ways A Husband Can Tell His Wife "I Love You!"

1. Voluntarily and without prompting, clean the kitchen after a meal. Tell your wife to sit down and relax!

2. Surprise her with a cooked meal when she arrives home from work!

3. Vacuum, dust, and generally clean the house - preferably while she is not home! Surprise her!

4. Have someone deliver a gift (flowers, candy, etc.) to her work place along with a really thoughtful
     card!

5. Tell her to dress up a little - take her to a nice restuarant and a movie - preferably a chick flick!

6. Write her a thoughtful letter detailing your love for her and what she does to make your heart sing!

7. SAY IT - I LOVE YOU - EVERYDAY! 

Before You Have an Affair - Answer this Question!

Most, not all, but most of the people I have counseled regarding an affair in their marriage did not really plan to do so.  They got caught up in a series of temptations, opportunity, and preceived needs that led to their messing up!  Obviously their relationship with the Lord was not great!

So, here is just one more thing that I would ask every guy (and girl) to ask themselves and answer now - before an affair ever becomes a temptation.

After the big love-making session takes place - the big make out moment - you know - the sex -  after that - what's next?

That's it - one question - "what's next?"  Because after the forbidden fruit has been enjoyed, what is left for this illicit relationship?  More sex! Maybe! But here are some things to consider when answering "what's next?"

Will you be ready to leave your wife? your husband?

Will you be ready to take on some new kids?

Will you be ready to tell your kids about your "indiscretion?"

Will you be ready to lose a whole bunch of friends?

Will you be ready for divorce court, settlement of properties etc.?

My guess - most people enter into affairs without after considering the "what's next?" question!

After the moment of sexual bliss (oh please)  there will really not be much left! Relationships created in dishonesty don't usually do very well - and you will have encountered the displeasure of God on top of all that. 

"What's next?" I think it is a valuable, valid, and preventive kind of question to ask!

Sometimes, It Hurts to Preach!!!

Today was the last Sunday in our marriage series, Strengthening Your Marriage!  It was also one of those days that dealt with painful issues - some of them particularly fresh and current for many of our couples!  Those painful issues were more aligned with circumstances these couples have faced or are facing rather than some wrongdoing! 

I preached on the kind of love that it takes to handle the "down-side" of our vows!  "For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health!"  The down-side of these vows means that some people in the congregation have gone through or are going through some of the pain for which you are trying prepare the rest of the folks present. 

As I mentioned that the loss of a child will be a test of love in a marriage, I tried to be as careful as possible - for I could see the moistening eyes of people sitting in the congregation who had lost children!  Preaching about sickness that can arise with a spouse, I could see numerous couples who have gone through terrible sicknesses - some even now!  In speaking of the stresses and concerns that come on a marriage as you care for aging parents - I could identify with that myself, along with several others.  

The most painful part of preaching this morning was the conclusion - to have and to hold from this day forward, until death do us part!  Those words sound so promising and right in a wedding ceremony - but in preaching about them this morning I saw women, young and old, whose spouses have died in the last couple of years.  I saw men who have lost their wives - some in just the last few weeks!   Yet, everyone else present needs to be gently reminded that we need to love, cherish and honor our spouses - because one day - probably before we are ready, we may lose our spouse to death!

Yet, I would really rather have skipped that part!  Sometimes, it hurts to preach!

Marriage Blessings!

Andrea and I just returned home from an overnight Marriage Enrichment Booster with our church! Ronnie and Bevery Cottingham provided our leadership for the event.  My favorite part was in our last sesssion this afternoon.  We sat in a circle and each spouse was given the opportunity to publicly affirm the two greatest things they love about the other.  This was done "out loud" and for all to hear!

Well, it was probably one of the most moving and thoughtful things I have ever seen! Every couple shared these public affirmations!  People were very expressive and everyone was blessed by the heart-felt sharing! 

I know that I serve wonderful people in our church, but I was reminded again just how wonderful they are!  People expressed affirmations for their spouse being a provider, wonderful Dad, wonderful Mom, etc..  But also the joy and admiration for great care through sickness and difficulties that come to every marriage! 

We had a blessed weekend! Glad I was there! Hope even more couples will be at the next one!

Almost a Year!

Well, it is just 19 more days until the one year anniversary of my heart surgery!  What a year!  It has been marked by progress, healing, a few scares, getting used to various medications and some interesting side effects. But, all in all, I have enjoyed much better blood pressure and I have kept off about 25 lbs. that I lost after surgery. Without question I eat a healthier diet on a day to day basis. 

This year has been challenging more than any I have lived.  Recovering physically has impacted me mentally and spiritually.  I would have to say that spiritually my walk with the Lord has been deepened at the same time that it has been challenged.  My perspective on what matters has changed so much during this year.  I still struggle with processing some of the things I have learned.   The Lord has definitely blessed me this year.

There is one other fabulous blessing I have had this year! I have grown closer to Andrea this year (our 32nd being married) than all the other years combined!  It was little weird for a couple months after surgery. I would literally become afraid when she would leave to go to work - and I breathed a sigh of relief when she came back home.  At times during the year I have probably smothered her a bit - I truly became dependent on her for comfort and encouragement.  These days I have gotten past most of that - yet, we are truly with each other more than ever and I prefer to be home with her more than anything else. 

Andrea has given so much to me this year!  When we got married, we took the well known vows that pledge love to one another "in sickness and in health - in prosperity and adversity!"  She has worked so hard to care for me and to provide for me.  I love her so much and it is frustrating when words just can't convey the depth of that love.

I would hope that 2011 will be easier, healthier, and less of a struggle than 2010.  But if not, I know that I have a wonderful partner in marriage who will join hands with me to meet whatever we face.  I love you Andrea! God blessed me with a wonderful gift from the first day I saw you! 

Bits and Pieces!

November! Beautiful weather - crisp temperatures - a time for giving thanks!

As December grows nearer, I find myself doing odd things! I keep going back and looking at my journals for November and December of last year to see what I was doing leading up to the day of my BIG adventure - heart by-pass surgery.  I find references to "feeling tired" and "worn out!"  Hmmm!  It's all kind of creepy!  After months of not having a whole lot of emotion about it - I find that I get kind of "teary eyed" over the whole deal! Don't know if that is normal, but then again, who ever accused me of being normal?

In the meantime, I am thankful for gas logs burning at my feet! My feet stay perpetually cold, so the fire feels good! Looks good too! Why can't someone make an A/C unit that looks like fire logs? Then I could enjoy a fire all year!

I am thankful for 3 really great kids! Drew is traveling the country teaching medical staff how to use their computer software - and sometimes their computer.  He is being exposed to a lot of different culture within the states. His wife, Tabitha, is teaching school in Long Beach and grandbaby Riley is blessing all our socks off!

Lesley is studying hard at Ole Miss! Law School!  She will be Dr. Lesley E. Mitchell in a little over two years. She is talking about studying in England this summer! Who ever thought the Mitchell kids would travel so much?! She will be a great attorney. I wish she would be a prosecuting attorney for a while - for the experience!

Kelsey is .....Kelsey! You have to know her to appreciate that! A sophomore at USM, she is BUSY! She works school into her schedule somehow!  If everything holds together, by the end of this next summer she will have been to China three times for a total of 5 months!  She is my world traveler!  If us Southern Baptists wouldn't freak out - she would make a great preacher!!!! Of course, Lottie Moon was!

I can't help it - but I've got to add a child - she is not officially ours and she has great parents! But Kristen, Kelsey's dorm mate, is our "adopted" daughter! I am so proud of Kristen.  She is funny and delightful. We love her greatly. Proudest moment for me was when I had the privilege to baptize her!  Love you Kristen.

Well - I could not possibly end without expressing thanks for my soul-mate! My doctor! My help-mate! My love! Yep - my sweet wonderful thoughtful and compassionate wife - Andrea!  What would I do without her? I would be utterly lost!  We have had a wonderful life together for almost 32 years. (December 16)  The depth of her love was demonstrated to me during December - March of last year and this year as she nursed me back to health!  Wow! She is so wonderful to me - and really to everyone who knows her!  I love you sweet girl!

Hope every one who reads this is thankful also!

Sex - The Naked Truth!

We have already read that Adam and Eve, after rebelling against God, realized they were naked – and they were ashamed of their actions and nakedness.  What had been wonderful and good was suddenly tainted by the ability to think of evil, to think with impure motives,  to act and view one another with selfishness.  What a fall!

 It is impossible to be in a right relationship with God apart from being in an intimate relationship with Him.  God does not want our casual or occasional love. He does not accept our concept of limited devotion and half-hearted holiness.  To be in intimate relationship with God means baring oneself before Him.  It means being honest and open with Him about our sins and failures.  It means being totally honest with Him about our fears and failures.  And being intimate with Him means opening ourselves up to Him to receive wisdom, instruction, correction, and direction.  When we come to this type of honest, authentic openness before God, we truly begin to walk with Him in intimacy.

 Marriage is something of a representation of  - or a picture of intimacy with God.  When a husband and a wife have intimate relations (sex), they bare themselves before each other.  At that moment, we are intensely vulnerable.  At that moment of intimacy we are on “high alert” in every respect – physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Words spoken to each other will not be neutral. We will either bless with loving statements and verbal expressions of love – or we will break hearts and wound one another with critical comments about how we look or act or respond.   A couple takes a while to grow comfortable with each other during intimacy because we are so vulnerable.  We are either “built up” or “torn down” by how we view and express ourselves during sex.  And spiritually, the “one flesh” bond that is formed is strengthened or torn down by how we treat and act towards one another.

 The preceding two paragraphs give us some understanding as to why sex apart from marriage is so difficult and in God’s eyes, sinful!  Sex, without real intimacy, is insulting. It reflects an attempt to have the pleasure of sex without the work of intimacy.   This is the same as being deceived in believing that we can have an abiding relationship with God apart from spending any time with Him in prayer, the word of God, and serving Him.  This is not indicative of a real relationship.

 There are many dangers related to illicit sex.  But the greatest is being the enemy of God! We may believe that “times have changed!” Well, they have – but God has not!  Sexual impurity, immorality, and perversion will never be condoned by God.  This is why I know ( and you know too) that when a husband or wife stray from one another, or a Christian teen starts sleeping around, or we become consumed with any sexually charged habits, porn, etc., we have forsaken intimacy with God.

 Sex without intimacy will never be satisfied with the expression of sex in a relationship with one person.  The eye will be roving – the heart will be straying – and the body will eventually act out the stuff that is truly in the heart.  A person who is consistently sexually impure, will be consistently lacking in their relationship with God. These actions challenge, provoke, and insure the displeasure of God. 

 Does this matter to you? Does it matter to your teen-age children? Do we really believe that it matters if God is not pleased?

An intimate relationship with God produces a deeper, more thorough knowledge of God.  Intimacy with Him, the baring of our souls before Him, results in our knowing Him and our knowing ourselves in a much deeper fashion. We know what pleases Him – and what disappoints. We know what brings His blessing and His punishment.  We know what insures our hearing from Him, and what shuts up the heavens!

 An intimate, God-honoring intimacy with our husband / wife does the same thing. We really experience deep love, deep care, deep passion, and deep knowledge of one another, nurtured by a loving intimacy.  

 Sex for the sake of sex, with numerous people and without the benefit of marriage and intimacy, leads to the greatest bondage.  It is interesting! So many people pursue an illicit sexual path because they say they are free to do what they want.  Yet the result is ultimately bondage – physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

 Love the Lord with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength – and your neighbor as yourself!  Sounds like intimacy! 

 More posts are forthcoming!

 

 

Sex! The Mystery!

There is an interesting passage of scripture for husbands and wives in 1 Corinthians 7.  However, we sometimes overlook an important passage in 1 Corinthians 6:15-17

15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16 Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh."  17 But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.  NIV

 Marriage is a spiritual representation of our relationship with Christ. Paul, in warning against sexual expression outside the boundary of marriage, reminds the church that sex produces a oneness – a joining together where two become one flesh.  This is also found in Genesis 2:24.  Then Paul states that the one who unites himself with the Lord is one with Him in spirit.   Can you explain that?  I can’t! It is, as Paul calls it – the mystery of the Gospel.  There is a mystery involved in becoming one with God – and there is a very real mystery that is divine in nature, when two people have sexual relations.  The two become one flesh!

 Sexual intimacy is a powerful, divine act.  Stanley Grenz, in his great work, Sexual Ethics, says this regarding the act of sex:

 “It is an outward act which signifies an inward commitment and also seals that inward commitment.  Something changes when a couple engages in sexual intercourse. The act has altered their relationship. They have become one in body and therefore have symbolized their becoming a unity of persons… When practiced within the context of the covenant of marriage, engaging in the act has deepened the commitment of the partners to each other and to their life together.  They have in this act truly become one.”

 If I deny that gravity is real, it will not change the reality that I am chained to this earth by it.  It would be foolish for me to deny that gravity is real! After all, when I jump, I immediately come back to the ground.  If I drop a book, it does not float. It falls to the ground.  The overwhelming evidence is that gravity is real regardless of what I believe about it.  It would be foolish beyond belief for me to jump off a building because gravity is going to overcome all my arguments against it.

 Just as real is God’s design for sex and sexual expression.  Marriage is a mystery that embodies some of the essence of Christ’s relationship with the church.  Sexual expression, by God’s design, is between a man and a woman who are married to each other.  They become one through sexual intimacy.  No matter how much a sinful society may protest, sex will always produce more than just physical feelings. It produces a spiritual dynamic – a joining of two hearts and bodies.  Denying this truth is just as detrimental as jumping off a 10 story building.  Unbridled sex and sexual expression, outside the confines of marriage, will wreak destruction on the participants. 

 It does not matter how much a person believes or argues against the “mystery” surrounding marriage and sexual expression. The divine nature of sexual intimacy is true whether one believes it or not. It is as sure as gravity.

 In light of the divine nature of sexual expression, it is extremely dangerous to live as if there are no boundaries to sex.  In the next installment, we will examine some of these dangers.

 

Sex! What do you do?

Well, I suppose I have your attention now!  It is amazing, bordering on astonishing, how "charged" one little, three letter word can be.  SEX!  From the "way too young" to the "almost dead," the subject of sex is of interest, concern, and fascination to nearly everyone! 

Sex, sexual intimacy, sexual expression, and sexual wholesomeness were created by God!  My, how we have fallen from His ideals for sexual intimacy and practice!  More than having fallen, every pure and holy expression of sex has, for centuries, been under active assualt to pervert, destroy, and make meaningless the purity of sexual expression. 

I encounter and deal with this problem of sexual impurity almost every single day in and outside of the church family! Most of the time, this sexual "acting out" is accompanied by other problematic behavior - rebellion, anger, drug abuse, etc..  For example, what do you do with a young woman, 20 years of age, who has 4 children? The first was born at age 14 as the result of "sex for dope!"  Each child born afterwards has a different dad! Now at 20, this young woman, who is still a "doper," has 4 children - each of whom will have their own set of emotional, financial, spiritual, and social problems with society.  They are already a part of the "system!" How do you deal with this circumstance?  Yes, there are more factors here than "just sex," but sex was an integral part of each child being conceived and born!!! Sex without thought - without real, meaningful relationship, without intimacy, and without any regard to the future!  Such sexual expression has part of it's root in pure selfishness! (and though this represents a real person - there are dozens more in our county who mostly fit this description)

What do you do with the spouse who has 4 children - is now in their early 40's - and suddenly finds internet pornography to be an outlet for some pent up sexual "needs?"  They begin by getting a buzz looking at the lurid scenes, followed by some "acting out" on their part! Then, over time, they begin to "sexualize" and make "objects" of all the opposite sex to whom they are attracted.  Finally, one things leads to another and they find a substitute for thier spouse - and it is mostly about "SEX!"

Well, this subject is not really that pleasant to write about or talk about - but for the next several posts - a good many actually, I am going to attempt to write and post about sexual ethics - about the core of relationships in the heart of God - the glory of sex within boundaries - and the horror - literally the scourge of what is happening to children, teens, and adults as the result of uncontrolled passion - unfiltered behavior - unlimited self expression - all in regard to sex! 

I have struggled in my heart about posting these writings - but since I continue to be confronted inside and outside the church family with major issues related to this topic, I have felt compelled to try to write more than a "one post" opinion about the matter.  BE FOREWARNED! Tactfulness and decency ARE at the top of my agenda in these posts.  But I will not shy away from addressing, in correct medical terms, some of the activities which are harming pure, bibilical, sexual expression.

Be praying! More posts are on the way!