Tommy Mitchell / The Rurban Church Blog

Sex! Understanding!

Sex!  Understanding!    (Part 6 in a Series)

 Sexual expression is a part of our human existence.  In our society, it is impossible not to notice sexuality.  A kiss may be an expression of joy, greeting, saying goodbye, comforting and encouraging someone.  And, it can be a simple act of human sexuality that expresses a deeper feeling of the heart between two people who either have feelings for one another or are developing feelings for one another.   There is no prohibition against these expressions – though one may have to take some care to not let the kissing turn to full sexual intimacy!

 The following idea and ideal is very easily laughed at, and by many who are in the church, discarded.  But the idea and ideal are biblical – full sexual intimacy is reserved for marriage!  This idea seems utterly ridiculous to many if not most people in our society. Having served as a pastor, and therefore somewhat of a trouble-shooter and problem solver in relationships for 32 years, I can tell you that eventually -  monogamous, married sexual expression will not seem like a silly idea to most. 

 I cannot tell you how many women and a few men have sat in my office through the years in their late 20’s and early 30’s who are broken, devastated, and deeply embarrassed and ashamed of their youthful promiscuity!  What seemed like “free love” and “fabulous sex” at the time has turned into unbearable guilt, a mind full of faces and feelings, and sexual expression that has taken a hit in their current relationship.  Comparisons, competing memories, and performance anxiety are all part of the consequences of promiscuity. 

 Society will tell you, “if it feels good – do it!”  Then, you and your spouse are 28, trying to have kids, and you have infertility issues from STD’s that you had when you were 18. Free love doesn’t seem so free anymore.  Physical problems are a part of sexual promiscuity.

 Emotional problems far outweigh the physical ones.  It may not seem like a big deal when you are young, busy, and easily distracted – but when you are married, having a family, and trying to be a faithful family to God – there are potential problems from a past of reckless, sexual abandonment.  What do you think it will be like to go to a school event for your first grader and see five men there who “knew you” sexually in high school? Or five women who “knew you,” the husband, in high school?   Or more??? 

 This is not mere speculation on my part. These are the conversations I have had with men and women in my office.  Some have to literally move away to deal with it.  Some couples, though it didn’t matter so much when they first got married, soon discover that intimacy really is powerful and divine and suddenly, who was with whom and when becomes a source of marital conflict.  Problems arise. “You had sex with her! Do you realize she is now one of my best friends.  I don’t want you around her!”  And the wondering, comparing, and even jealousies begin! 

 It is so difficult to get young people to listen to these realities.  And our society is operating in full opposition to these truths.  Full sexual expression is reserved for marriage – and within that capacity and relationship, there is great freedom.

 Sex within marriage gives the couple full freedom of expression.  Stanley Grenz, in Sexual Ethics, states:

 The commitment to permanence (in marriage) offers a context of full acceptance of the marital partner. In this context, we are free to fail, learn, develop, and relax. This freedom allows for the development of a beautiful and fulfilling sexual relationship between the two marriage partners.

 Eric Fuches writes:

The experience of being a couple allows each of the conjoined to know the freedom which is discovered through a liberating trust in each other. Here again, sexuality can express this trust which frees the other from his fears and his anguish, and allows him to express joy and tenderness, pleasure and play, even by means of his body.

 Let me conclude this segment with a timeless observation.   What God says about fidelity, faithfulness, and the proper context of marriage for sexual expression is a boundary for our freedom.  Our society sees boundaries as restrictive.  But God sees them as giving us great freedom.  Inside the boundary of marriage, a couple can enjoy the freedom of all expression – verbal, mental, emotional, spiritual, and yes, sexual.  There is no limit.  But step outside that boundary, and engage in sexual expression before marriage, or extra-marital, and what seems free becomes bondage.

 We simply cannot reverse what God has said without enslaving ourselves to much pain and sorrow.  Additionally, we run the risk of bringing children into the world as part of our “free expression of sex.”  And when that happens, the children are going to suffer the consequences of being conceived apart from a genuine, caring relationship between a husband and a wife.  That subject is for another series of posts.

 Freedom! Bondage! We need to make our choices carefully!



Sex - The Naked Truth!

We have already read that Adam and Eve, after rebelling against God, realized they were naked – and they were ashamed of their actions and nakedness.  What had been wonderful and good was suddenly tainted by the ability to think of evil, to think with impure motives,  to act and view one another with selfishness.  What a fall!

 It is impossible to be in a right relationship with God apart from being in an intimate relationship with Him.  God does not want our casual or occasional love. He does not accept our concept of limited devotion and half-hearted holiness.  To be in intimate relationship with God means baring oneself before Him.  It means being honest and open with Him about our sins and failures.  It means being totally honest with Him about our fears and failures.  And being intimate with Him means opening ourselves up to Him to receive wisdom, instruction, correction, and direction.  When we come to this type of honest, authentic openness before God, we truly begin to walk with Him in intimacy.

 Marriage is something of a representation of  - or a picture of intimacy with God.  When a husband and a wife have intimate relations (sex), they bare themselves before each other.  At that moment, we are intensely vulnerable.  At that moment of intimacy we are on “high alert” in every respect – physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Words spoken to each other will not be neutral. We will either bless with loving statements and verbal expressions of love – or we will break hearts and wound one another with critical comments about how we look or act or respond.   A couple takes a while to grow comfortable with each other during intimacy because we are so vulnerable.  We are either “built up” or “torn down” by how we view and express ourselves during sex.  And spiritually, the “one flesh” bond that is formed is strengthened or torn down by how we treat and act towards one another.

 The preceding two paragraphs give us some understanding as to why sex apart from marriage is so difficult and in God’s eyes, sinful!  Sex, without real intimacy, is insulting. It reflects an attempt to have the pleasure of sex without the work of intimacy.   This is the same as being deceived in believing that we can have an abiding relationship with God apart from spending any time with Him in prayer, the word of God, and serving Him.  This is not indicative of a real relationship.

 There are many dangers related to illicit sex.  But the greatest is being the enemy of God! We may believe that “times have changed!” Well, they have – but God has not!  Sexual impurity, immorality, and perversion will never be condoned by God.  This is why I know ( and you know too) that when a husband or wife stray from one another, or a Christian teen starts sleeping around, or we become consumed with any sexually charged habits, porn, etc., we have forsaken intimacy with God.

 Sex without intimacy will never be satisfied with the expression of sex in a relationship with one person.  The eye will be roving – the heart will be straying – and the body will eventually act out the stuff that is truly in the heart.  A person who is consistently sexually impure, will be consistently lacking in their relationship with God. These actions challenge, provoke, and insure the displeasure of God. 

 Does this matter to you? Does it matter to your teen-age children? Do we really believe that it matters if God is not pleased?

An intimate relationship with God produces a deeper, more thorough knowledge of God.  Intimacy with Him, the baring of our souls before Him, results in our knowing Him and our knowing ourselves in a much deeper fashion. We know what pleases Him – and what disappoints. We know what brings His blessing and His punishment.  We know what insures our hearing from Him, and what shuts up the heavens!

 An intimate, God-honoring intimacy with our husband / wife does the same thing. We really experience deep love, deep care, deep passion, and deep knowledge of one another, nurtured by a loving intimacy.  

 Sex for the sake of sex, with numerous people and without the benefit of marriage and intimacy, leads to the greatest bondage.  It is interesting! So many people pursue an illicit sexual path because they say they are free to do what they want.  Yet the result is ultimately bondage – physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

 Love the Lord with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength – and your neighbor as yourself!  Sounds like intimacy! 

 More posts are forthcoming!

 

 

Sex! The Mystery!

There is an interesting passage of scripture for husbands and wives in 1 Corinthians 7.  However, we sometimes overlook an important passage in 1 Corinthians 6:15-17

15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16 Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh."  17 But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.  NIV

 Marriage is a spiritual representation of our relationship with Christ. Paul, in warning against sexual expression outside the boundary of marriage, reminds the church that sex produces a oneness – a joining together where two become one flesh.  This is also found in Genesis 2:24.  Then Paul states that the one who unites himself with the Lord is one with Him in spirit.   Can you explain that?  I can’t! It is, as Paul calls it – the mystery of the Gospel.  There is a mystery involved in becoming one with God – and there is a very real mystery that is divine in nature, when two people have sexual relations.  The two become one flesh!

 Sexual intimacy is a powerful, divine act.  Stanley Grenz, in his great work, Sexual Ethics, says this regarding the act of sex:

 “It is an outward act which signifies an inward commitment and also seals that inward commitment.  Something changes when a couple engages in sexual intercourse. The act has altered their relationship. They have become one in body and therefore have symbolized their becoming a unity of persons… When practiced within the context of the covenant of marriage, engaging in the act has deepened the commitment of the partners to each other and to their life together.  They have in this act truly become one.”

 If I deny that gravity is real, it will not change the reality that I am chained to this earth by it.  It would be foolish for me to deny that gravity is real! After all, when I jump, I immediately come back to the ground.  If I drop a book, it does not float. It falls to the ground.  The overwhelming evidence is that gravity is real regardless of what I believe about it.  It would be foolish beyond belief for me to jump off a building because gravity is going to overcome all my arguments against it.

 Just as real is God’s design for sex and sexual expression.  Marriage is a mystery that embodies some of the essence of Christ’s relationship with the church.  Sexual expression, by God’s design, is between a man and a woman who are married to each other.  They become one through sexual intimacy.  No matter how much a sinful society may protest, sex will always produce more than just physical feelings. It produces a spiritual dynamic – a joining of two hearts and bodies.  Denying this truth is just as detrimental as jumping off a 10 story building.  Unbridled sex and sexual expression, outside the confines of marriage, will wreak destruction on the participants. 

 It does not matter how much a person believes or argues against the “mystery” surrounding marriage and sexual expression. The divine nature of sexual intimacy is true whether one believes it or not. It is as sure as gravity.

 In light of the divine nature of sexual expression, it is extremely dangerous to live as if there are no boundaries to sex.  In the next installment, we will examine some of these dangers.

 

Sex - The Fall! (Part Three)

Sex – The Fall!

 In the previous post, I tried to provide an overview of sexuality before the fall.  In this third installment, I want to look at the impact of “the fall” on relationships, including sexuality.

 

This is what we read in Genesis 3:6-10  6 When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. 7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

8 Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. 9 But the Lord God called to the man, "Where are you?"

10 He answered, "I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid." NIV

 

When Adam and Eve ate from the tree that the Lord described as being the tree of the knowledge of good and evil,(Genesis 2:17) they suddenly became capable of seeing everything through a different lens.  From the account of scripture, their eyes were “opened!”  They realized they were naked!  Their outward appearance had not changed. They were naked before! But before the fall there was not anything in their mind or heart that could cause them to view each other with anything other than pure love and care.  They also had no view of themselves that was lacking in any regard.

 

After the sin of disobedience, Adam and Eve suddenly viewed themselves and each other through the filter of sin!  They could not look at their own body without want.  Suddenly, they viewed themselves as “needy!”  They viewed each other for the first time without purity. They could think of each other sexually from a selfish point of view.  They could, for the first time, try to take advantage of each other – to get the upper hand on each other emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  They could use intimacy for their own goals – not in the pure and holy expression that existed before the fall.

 

For the first time, Adam and Eve had to deal with a new component in their sexuality – lust!  They could “objectify” each other.  Through our relationship with Christ, we are able to overcome much sin and improper sexual expression, but we battle with the dark side of lust and desire because of the fall of man in sin. All of the temptation we experience in matters of sex originate in the fall and have had thousands of years of development in society.  

 

Sexual intimacy is more than physical – it is also spiritual – and a mystery (the subject of the next post).  Sexual expression is such a physically pleasurable activity and the sex drive is among the strongest in the human mind. With these factors in play, add a strong dose of sin and lust, and we have a problem.  We will either be controlled by lust and unbridled passion, or we will submit our passions unto the Lord and be redeemed in our approach to human sexuality. 

Unfortunately, in our current day, we seem to have decided as a nation to walk down the path of unhindered sexual expression and lust.  To look upon another person as a mere object of our desire is the height of selfishness.  To be filled with desire to view and obtain every kind of sexual imagery and expression we can find demonstrates a total repudiation of the purity that God demands of us. 

 

Just as Adam and Eve attempted to justify their failure in the garden, we also attempt to justify sexually unwholesome thought, talk, and expression.  The famous phrase from the last 20 years – “if it feels good – do it!” is an attempt at justifying our actions based on a totally “me centered” view of life.  

 

The current sexual climate in America is dismal. The extent of sin in the area of sexuality is breath-taking.  The sins are not just located in how men and women view each other lustfully.  The fall has taken us much further.  There are literally organizations that exist to advocate their particular kind of debauchery.   There are organizations supporting sexual relationships between men and boys, homosexual adult relationships for both men and women, bestiality, sado masochism, and child pornography just to name a few.  The degradation and humiliation expressed in depraved sexual practices between men and women are too bizarre for me to mention in this post.  God is not smiling!

 

Though many people seem to believe they can live a “no boundaries” kind of life when it comes to human sexuality, they really can’t without consequences.  In our next post, we examine the mystery of human sexuality and God’s great plan for sexual expression.

 

In the meantime, pray that God will strengthen us all to walk in intimacy with Him. An intimate relationship with God will enable us to live in intimacy that is wholesome and uplifting with each other.

 

 

Sex - In the Beginning (2nd in a series)

To understand and fashion a Godly sexual ethic for life, one has to look backwards to creation.  Please understand that this post is just that – a relatively brief post.  The material I will introduce to you has produced arguments among theologians that are still not settled.  I am not writing a detailed theology here – just trying to move our thinking along to be able to have a better understanding of sexuality – particularly in the community of faith.

 

God created this world! I still hold firmly to this truth.  God created plant life – animal life – and human life in Adam and Eve.  Plant life was created with the natural ability of reproduction.  Animal life was created with the same ability to reproduce life.  Though it is not true in every single, solitary case, animal reproduction somewhat resembles human reproduction from a purely biological perspective.  There is generally a male and female with complementary sexual organs through which reproduction is achieved. 

 

In Genesis 1:26-28 we read these words!

26 Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground."

 

27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him;

male and female he created them.

 

28 God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground." NIV

 

In Genesis 2:20-25, we get a bit of “backstory” about Adam and Eve.

 

But for Adam no suitable helper was found. 21 So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

 

23 The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman, 'for she was taken out of man." 24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

25 The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame. NIV

 

So, in a perfect place, before sin entered the world – we had Adam and Eve – created in the image of God. They “complemented” or  made each other “complete!” 

 

There is some scholarly dispute over whether or not Adam and Eve had sex before the fall.  I will let you, the reader, dive into that research on your own. In my opinion, they did have sexual relations before the fall because God instructed them to be fruitful and multiply – and Genesis 2 clearly says that because of the nature of Eve’s creation, a man will leave his mother and father and be joined with his wife – becoming one flesh. That is pretty clearly agreed on by most as “having sexual relations!”  

 

Then note this very important point! Verse 25 says they were naked and unashamed. 

 

At the beginning, with Adam and Eve, there was a condition that we have never known in our lives.  They were without sin! They could not and did not look upon each other as objects. They had desire for each other – but it was completely pure and without any thoughts of impurity – fantasy – or disappointment physically, emotionally, or spiritually with each other.    They never thought of being ashamed of each other. They did not look at each other with illicit desires or look at themselves physically with any disappointment. 

 

This is so incredibly different than today.  The entire pornography industry exists to create “need” in our lives.  And they know that sexual desire and need is among the strongest drives in the human experience.  This is why we have men and women, teens, and now even some children who look upon themselves with disappointment in their own bodies.  And because of the ready availability of sexual images on television, in movies, and on the internet – it is all too easy to find others to look upon.

 

Adam and Eve knew none of this before the fall! They were in perfect harmony with God and with each other.  They were naked but did not think of themselves as naked because there was no illicit thought or comparison present.  Eve did not think of her breasts as too big – too small – or just right!  She was not defined, in her own mind or Adam’s, by her sexuality. She was defined as one created in the image of God.

 

Adam was not concerned about “male enhancement!” He did not think of himself as having any inadequacy. He, like Eve, was simply a man, created in the image of God, finding his worth in relationship with God.

 

This innocent existence is difficult for us to grasp.  But it is not impossible to derive a few things about current day sexuality for which we should strive.

 

1. A proper sexual ethic is grounded in a proper, intimate relationship with God.  The more we walk with God – the less we think of and fill our hearts with evil. The more intimately we walk with God – the more we reflect His glory, His thoughts, and His actions.  The more intimately we serve Him, the more perfectly we treat, speak of, and view one another.   Adam and Eve, until the fall, walked perfectly with God – and were naked – and had no shame or sin in their view of each other.
2. A proper sexual ethic requires us to view our spouse, or if unmarried, the opposite sex as God’s creation.  We must not simply “objectify” them as if they are merely a vehicle for one’s pleasure. 
3. A proper sexual ethic, based on creation, leads me to the understanding that sexual relationships are between men and women.  Some who claim to be in the Christian community, also say that homosexuality is permissible.   I have heard the argument that some animal species can be found with apparent same sex behavior. But God did not create us as animals. We have a soul. We interact with God, and God created us to be in relationship with Him, and with men and women becoming one flesh together.
4. This leads me to the final truth for this post. A proper sexual ethic can only be properly formed when it is informed by the truth of God’s Word.   Our society, and unfortunately, many in our churches, have completely divorced themselves from God’s word in the matter of sexual ethics.  We must not do this – or we will find ourselves mired in every manner of sexual immorality.

 

I apologize for the lengthy post. There are several topics here worthy of further exploration.  However, I simply want to remind all the readers that sexuality is a creation of God.  In the beginning, the relationship was perfect. 

 

In our next post, we will examine the impact of the fall of man on human sexuality.

Sex! What do you do?

Well, I suppose I have your attention now!  It is amazing, bordering on astonishing, how "charged" one little, three letter word can be.  SEX!  From the "way too young" to the "almost dead," the subject of sex is of interest, concern, and fascination to nearly everyone! 

Sex, sexual intimacy, sexual expression, and sexual wholesomeness were created by God!  My, how we have fallen from His ideals for sexual intimacy and practice!  More than having fallen, every pure and holy expression of sex has, for centuries, been under active assualt to pervert, destroy, and make meaningless the purity of sexual expression. 

I encounter and deal with this problem of sexual impurity almost every single day in and outside of the church family! Most of the time, this sexual "acting out" is accompanied by other problematic behavior - rebellion, anger, drug abuse, etc..  For example, what do you do with a young woman, 20 years of age, who has 4 children? The first was born at age 14 as the result of "sex for dope!"  Each child born afterwards has a different dad! Now at 20, this young woman, who is still a "doper," has 4 children - each of whom will have their own set of emotional, financial, spiritual, and social problems with society.  They are already a part of the "system!" How do you deal with this circumstance?  Yes, there are more factors here than "just sex," but sex was an integral part of each child being conceived and born!!! Sex without thought - without real, meaningful relationship, without intimacy, and without any regard to the future!  Such sexual expression has part of it's root in pure selfishness! (and though this represents a real person - there are dozens more in our county who mostly fit this description)

What do you do with the spouse who has 4 children - is now in their early 40's - and suddenly finds internet pornography to be an outlet for some pent up sexual "needs?"  They begin by getting a buzz looking at the lurid scenes, followed by some "acting out" on their part! Then, over time, they begin to "sexualize" and make "objects" of all the opposite sex to whom they are attracted.  Finally, one things leads to another and they find a substitute for thier spouse - and it is mostly about "SEX!"

Well, this subject is not really that pleasant to write about or talk about - but for the next several posts - a good many actually, I am going to attempt to write and post about sexual ethics - about the core of relationships in the heart of God - the glory of sex within boundaries - and the horror - literally the scourge of what is happening to children, teens, and adults as the result of uncontrolled passion - unfiltered behavior - unlimited self expression - all in regard to sex! 

I have struggled in my heart about posting these writings - but since I continue to be confronted inside and outside the church family with major issues related to this topic, I have felt compelled to try to write more than a "one post" opinion about the matter.  BE FOREWARNED! Tactfulness and decency ARE at the top of my agenda in these posts.  But I will not shy away from addressing, in correct medical terms, some of the activities which are harming pure, bibilical, sexual expression.

Be praying! More posts are on the way!