Sex! Understanding! (Part 6 in a Series)
Sexual expression is a part of our human existence. In our society, it is impossible not to notice sexuality. A kiss may be an expression of joy, greeting, saying goodbye, comforting and encouraging someone. And, it can be a simple act of human sexuality that expresses a deeper feeling of the heart between two people who either have feelings for one another or are developing feelings for one another. There is no prohibition against these expressions – though one may have to take some care to not let the kissing turn to full sexual intimacy!
The following idea and ideal is very easily laughed at, and by many who are in the church, discarded. But the idea and ideal are biblical – full sexual intimacy is reserved for marriage! This idea seems utterly ridiculous to many if not most people in our society. Having served as a pastor, and therefore somewhat of a trouble-shooter and problem solver in relationships for 32 years, I can tell you that eventually - monogamous, married sexual expression will not seem like a silly idea to most.
I cannot tell you how many women and a few men have sat in my office through the years in their late 20’s and early 30’s who are broken, devastated, and deeply embarrassed and ashamed of their youthful promiscuity! What seemed like “free love” and “fabulous sex” at the time has turned into unbearable guilt, a mind full of faces and feelings, and sexual expression that has taken a hit in their current relationship. Comparisons, competing memories, and performance anxiety are all part of the consequences of promiscuity.
Society will tell you, “if it feels good – do it!” Then, you and your spouse are 28, trying to have kids, and you have infertility issues from STD’s that you had when you were 18. Free love doesn’t seem so free anymore. Physical problems are a part of sexual promiscuity.
Emotional problems far outweigh the physical ones. It may not seem like a big deal when you are young, busy, and easily distracted – but when you are married, having a family, and trying to be a faithful family to God – there are potential problems from a past of reckless, sexual abandonment. What do you think it will be like to go to a school event for your first grader and see five men there who “knew you” sexually in high school? Or five women who “knew you,” the husband, in high school? Or more???
This is not mere speculation on my part. These are the conversations I have had with men and women in my office. Some have to literally move away to deal with it. Some couples, though it didn’t matter so much when they first got married, soon discover that intimacy really is powerful and divine and suddenly, who was with whom and when becomes a source of marital conflict. Problems arise. “You had sex with her! Do you realize she is now one of my best friends. I don’t want you around her!” And the wondering, comparing, and even jealousies begin!
It is so difficult to get young people to listen to these realities. And our society is operating in full opposition to these truths. Full sexual expression is reserved for marriage – and within that capacity and relationship, there is great freedom.
Sex within marriage gives the couple full freedom of expression. Stanley Grenz, in Sexual Ethics, states:
The commitment to permanence (in marriage) offers a context of full acceptance of the marital partner. In this context, we are free to fail, learn, develop, and relax. This freedom allows for the development of a beautiful and fulfilling sexual relationship between the two marriage partners.
Eric Fuches writes:
The experience of being a couple allows each of the conjoined to know the freedom which is discovered through a liberating trust in each other. Here again, sexuality can express this trust which frees the other from his fears and his anguish, and allows him to express joy and tenderness, pleasure and play, even by means of his body.
Let me conclude this segment with a timeless observation. What God says about fidelity, faithfulness, and the proper context of marriage for sexual expression is a boundary for our freedom. Our society sees boundaries as restrictive. But God sees them as giving us great freedom. Inside the boundary of marriage, a couple can enjoy the freedom of all expression – verbal, mental, emotional, spiritual, and yes, sexual. There is no limit. But step outside that boundary, and engage in sexual expression before marriage, or extra-marital, and what seems free becomes bondage.
We simply cannot reverse what God has said without enslaving ourselves to much pain and sorrow. Additionally, we run the risk of bringing children into the world as part of our “free expression of sex.” And when that happens, the children are going to suffer the consequences of being conceived apart from a genuine, caring relationship between a husband and a wife. That subject is for another series of posts.
Freedom! Bondage! We need to make our choices carefully!
