Tommy Mitchell / The Rurban Church Blog

Father of the Bride Part 1

At one point today, I thought about watching Father of the Bride.  However, there are parts of that movie that aggravate my allergies and make my eyes water, so I didn’t. Our middle child, Lesley, will be married a week from today.  As a matter of fact, we should be kicking up our heels at the reception about this time next week.  

Lesley, somehow, grew into a Daddy’s girl through the years.  I love all my kids uniquely, but I have to admit, Lesley fits the bill as a Daddy’s girl.  Maybe it was all the times I have knocked her in the head with something.  Maybe I just felt extra sorry for my slip-ups.  I hit her in the head with a golf-club when she was little.  Another time she was standing under the lift-gate of our Expedition and didn’t notice as I closed it. 

It could be that she was so busy pursuing her interests in high school and college that  she did not really make much time for guys - and that was most certainly ok by me.  No doubt that afforded me time with her I did not have with Kelsey.  It could also be that she got into the legal field and as she advanced, I began to treat her as much as a confidant as a daughter.  Anyway, she is a Daddy’s girl and she is also my attorney, so be careful!!!!

We are certainly proud of all our children and their spouses. (had to get that one in there!) And I am proud of and for Lesley and Anthony.  Being the minister of record in the family, it has fallen to me to perform this wedding ceremony.  It will be a great day next Saturday. I will enjoy it.  But as every Dad who has ever married off his Daddy’s girl knows, the joy is a mixture of sadness and love and joy.  It is not sadness in the typical sense.  Just that while she will remain a Daddy’s girl, there is now someone else with whom she will share the majority of her feelings and who will take care of the majority of her needs.  

It is no small thing to give the hand of your daughter in marriage.  Which is why this is part 1.  I will write Part 2 after the wedding next Saturday, just in case I change my mind about all this!!!!!!!!!!

How Do We Get This Done?

Sometimes I have one of those days that is equally gratifying and frustrating at the same time!  That was yesterday.  Yesterday I was in New Orleans with our Missions Team as we met in a morning strategy session with our mission partners in the 9th Ward and in an afternoon strategy session with our Metairie partners.  Several things were whirling around in my mind.

First I was again struck by the contrasts.  Although this is oversimplified, one might say the 9th Ward is an area where people are down and out while in Metairie they are up and out!  Whether “down” or “up” – they are out!  In one area the people are burned out by crime, poverty, and the neglect of caring communities.  The other is bound by clinging to a religious system rather than Christ, and seeing very little need for the family of God. They are easily neglected by faith communities because we don’t really think they need anything.  

But the similarities are striking.  In both communities families have problems.  In both communities the Gospel is desperately needed. And as I listened to both missions partners, it was amazing that they basically identified the same foundational needs – they need the Gospel presented, relationships built, and they both desperately needed their folks to be discipled!

Reflecting on that at 4:00 am this morning, my first thought is to be overwhelmed – because those are the same needs we have at Agricola.  So the question comes to mind – “How do we get that done?”  The task is enormous. Because God has commanded us to a worldwide mission, I am pondering how do we help those precious folks in New Orleans with the enormous task of reaching that city?  Because God has commanded me to shepherd the flock of God, I ponder how to disciple all these folks in Agricola! 

Well, I came to this conclusion after being awake for a few minutes – I can’t! We can’t!  All I can do is be faithful to God, faithful with the Gospel, and determined to disciple and provide discipling resources.  At some point – I have to trust God!  I have to trust God that He already has key relationships unfolding.  I have to trust that He will awaken sleepy-headed Christians to one day care more about His kingdom than this decaying, dying, temporary world and its stuff and distractions.  I have to trust that God who has commanded us to reach the Agricolas and New Orleans of the world will be faithful to bring it to pass as we proclaim the Gospel.

There were 9 of us adults yesterday planning some strategy for reaching our areas in Agricola and New Orleans.  There are more as well. Some we know about.  Some we don’t.  But what I do know is that God is faithful.  My life has already been amazingly blessed by our mission partners.  My ministry skills are being sharpened.  And I am more dependent on God than ever before.  And I am more optimistic than ever that God is going to do something amazing with the Gospel in our time.  God will get it done!

35 Years of Marriage! How did we do it?

In the past, when we have gone out to celebrate an anniversary, the topic usually comes up with store clerks or waiters / waitresses!  I remember a waitress being overwhelmed on our 30th anniversary. She just kept telling us she didn't know anyone who stayed married that long these days.  She, a very young woman, was already in her second marriage.   And of course, if anything has changed in 5 years, it is that more people are just skipping marriage altogether.

At any rate, we get asked, "How did you do it?" 

Well, I've given that some thought today off and on.  How did we get to 35 years (and trust me - we got to 35 years very quickly)?   Here are my tips to getting to 35 years of marriage or more!

1. Make the decision to stay married before you get married.   I remember the talk. We were in love - we wanted to get married - and on one day we just talked about it.  I told Andrea that I would never be able to completely fulfill the ministry God had called me to if we divorced.  She told me that she never wanted a divorce - and would not want our children to go through that.  So - that was that - we decided before we got married to never get divorced.  

Now, I really don't know if any more numbers will help - but here are a few more things that have contributed to the health of our 35 years.

2. We really did marry "for better or worse!"  We have not had that many major disagreements or things we could not resolve.  Most of our "worse" has been physical ailments - and until my heart surgery, there had been few of them.

3. We have never dropped the romance! Of any kind! And while I will not elaborate so as not to embarrass my friends and family, it is a form of cruelty and sin to withhold affections from one another for any reason.  Our intimacy leaves NO ROOM FOR ANYONE OR ANYTHING ELSE to destroy our marriage.

4. We laugh at each other - and at ourselves.  My hearing is increasing the laughter on her part!

5. We love and honor the Lord God in our marriage.  This is not 5th in importance.  This is the firm foundation of our marriage. 

6. We give and take.  Neither of us gets 1oo% of what we want - but ultimately, we both enjoy 100% of what we do together. 

7. From time to time we do what we are doing now.  We look at milestones and celebrate them.  Last year, on number 34, I think we just went out to eat.  On 20, 25, 30, and now 35, we take the time to celebrate God's blessings.  People, junk, problems, church stuff will all survive our absence for a couple of days to enjoy and celebrate the blessings God has bestowed on us for all these years.

8. We always, and continue to this day, to put our relationship ahead of our children.  We did not and do not owe our children any priority over our relationship.  If our relationship fails, we have wronged our children.  And if we failed because we put our children ahead of our own relationship, we would have double-failed them.  Don't misunderstand.  We did plenty with our kids and still do now that they are adults. But we never had a problem telling them that they could not go eat with us on a date night - or they could not go with us to a movie - or that they had to go spend the night with their friends from time to time - all at the same time!!!!!  

9. We love each other in actions - not just words!

10.  We wanted to model dedication in marriage to our kids!

Marriage Tips for Men!!!!

It has been a while since I offered any marriage tips! So here is are a few for men that might help you out a bit!

1. SINCERELY tell your wife OFTEN that you love her!  Be sure that some of those times are not just when you are walking out the door on the way to work! Be intentional about it!

2. Surprise her with some cleaning!!!!  This may not be your thing, but every once in a while vacuum, mop, or dust (or all three) before she gets home from work - or while she is away buying groceries!  Women think that men doing housework without being asked is SEXY!

3. Offer her praise!  Bragging on a meal, her appearance, her hair, her clothes, her hard work etc.  will be a blessing to her!  It is a wise man indeed who learns early to appreciate and praise his wife!

4. Pray for / with your wife! She will be blessed! You will be blessed! And you will know and appreciate one another's struggles and victories!

5. Cook for her! 

6. Take her on a date - take her to eat - and / or - ask her what she would like to do one evening and then make it happen.

7. Hold her! Just hold her! Hug her! Tell her how much she means to you! If it is tough for you to come up with the words, keep trying! You will get better at it!

There are many more - but start out with these!  or come up with your own.  The key - love your wife in word and deed!

30 Day Marriage Adventure Completed! (Mostly)

Our 30 Days of Adventure are mostly done!  It took a little over 30 days because we ran into unavoidable conflicts a time or two.  You can't overlook a funeral visitation, for example, to go do your marriage activity for that day!   So, because of plans already on the calendar a couple of times, and because sometimes the activity would fall on a day when it was just impossible to complete it, we had to delay a few of them.

We are still supposed to go for a ride and get ice-cream or a milk-shake! We still have one car-washing to do - and we still have a movie to go see!  I believe that will complete them all. 

Over-all, it was a fun 30 days! Each day we anticipated a great time together - sometimes simple - sometimes involved - but always fun.

Lessons learned - if we do this again - we will probably go for less cards and just draw out one for her and for me on Sunday! Then we will have the entire week to carry it out!  Having activities everyday can become frustrating because of the schedules we already have.  So, we think a "less is more" approach might be better.  And those activities can be a bit more meaningful with a whole week to find the time to devote to them.

If you have no idea what I am talking about - see this post!

 

30 Day Marriage Adventure UPDATE!

Twelve days ago we started our 30 Day Marriage Adventure!  THIS IS THE ORIGINAL POST  Well, just thought you might like an update!

So far, this adventure has been fantastic! And fun! And refreshing! 

First, we know that every evening we will be doing something together!

Second, we know (in the evening when we draw the next day's card) that it will be a surprise!

Third, we know that whatever we do will be pleasing to the other person!

Fourth, we have had some incredible variety!

Tomorrow night we are playing a game of scrabble!  We have watched a classic movie that neither of us had seen before.  We have cleaned out our closet and downsized!  We have had friends over for dinner! We have read scripture together! We have eaten 0ut! And more!

I encourage you to try a 30 Day Marriage Adventure!  I think you will enjoy it!  We have 18 more days to go!

 

Keeping Our Marriage Fresh and Fun!

Andrea and I are getting ready for 30 days of adventure!  Here is what we are doing!

Andrea gets 15 pink cards - I got 15 yellow cards (couldn't find any blue ones)!

Each one of us writes down something on each card that we want the other to do on that day!

We will alternate drawing out a pink card (ladies first) on the first day - yellow card day two - pink card day three..... and so on!

So, no, I did not write SEX on my 15 cards!  Just to get that topic out of the way - we are each allowed to write down SEX and whatever we desire about that on 4 cards each.  That means that on 22 out of 30 days we will be doing other stuff for each other! 

Anyway, it took an extra half-hour at lunch, but I have my 15 cards done.  I'm hoping she will do her cards tonight!  I have to clear this with Andrea, but I am hoping we will draw out the card  the night before for the following day - so we will know how to plan for the next day! 

I think it is going to a great 30 days in the Mitchell marriage!  Why not give it a try yourselves? I'm excited!

The Best and Worst Gifts I Have Ever Given My Wife!

Gift giving is my love language.  It does not have to necessarily be a "store purchased" gift - but I do love to surprise her with gifts - purchased, made by me, 0r other surprises like a surprise night out - etc..

The best "gift giving" I have ever pulled off was the 20 year anniversary.  We were married on Dec. 16th, so on January 16th (before the 20th anniversary coming up at the end of the year) I gave her a gift.  I did not tell her why and she just thought I was being nice.  On February 16th, I gave her another gift.  On March 16th, she figured out I was giving her a gift every month.  And so it continued through November.  She really liked the 16th of each month. 

Then when we hit December 1st, I had 7 gifts on her dresser - one for each of the first 7 days.   Then another 7 for the next 7 days! That got us through the 14th.  Then I had a special gift on the 15th and an even more special one on the anniversary date of December 16th.  I have never quite been able to top the 20th year! Obviously I am already working hard on ideas for the 40th anniversary!

Well, the worst gift idea I had is ..... well.... I really meant well - but most of the women will probably agree that it was not the best idea.  I had conducted a funeral one day for a lady who loved roses.  She was well known for all her beautiful roses.  So you can imagine that at her funeral about the only kind of flower present was some type of rose.  They were beautiful.  When I said the final prayer at the cemetery, it looked like we were standing in an amazing rose garden.  The family spoke up and said for everyone to take as many roses as they wanted. They felt like the deceased would have loved for that to happen.  Well, there literally hundreds of beautiful red roses.  I pulled out a dozen and took them home and put them in vase as a gift for my wife. 

When she walked in and saw them  -- she said almost immediately - "you didn't!" "You didn't bring me roses from a a funeral!!!!!!?????"  Well, I did! To this day I don't know how they looked that much different from any other dozen roses - except they cost me nothing - and I think that was part of the problem.  Anyway, I have never brought her gifts from a funeral again!!!!!!!!!!

 

7 Ways A Husband Can Tell His Wife "I Love You!"

1. Voluntarily and without prompting, clean the kitchen after a meal. Tell your wife to sit down and relax!

2. Surprise her with a cooked meal when she arrives home from work!

3. Vacuum, dust, and generally clean the house - preferably while she is not home! Surprise her!

4. Have someone deliver a gift (flowers, candy, etc.) to her work place along with a really thoughtful
     card!

5. Tell her to dress up a little - take her to a nice restuarant and a movie - preferably a chick flick!

6. Write her a thoughtful letter detailing your love for her and what she does to make your heart sing!

7. SAY IT - I LOVE YOU - EVERYDAY! 

Before You Have an Affair - Answer this Question!

Most, not all, but most of the people I have counseled regarding an affair in their marriage did not really plan to do so.  They got caught up in a series of temptations, opportunity, and preceived needs that led to their messing up!  Obviously their relationship with the Lord was not great!

So, here is just one more thing that I would ask every guy (and girl) to ask themselves and answer now - before an affair ever becomes a temptation.

After the big love-making session takes place - the big make out moment - you know - the sex -  after that - what's next?

That's it - one question - "what's next?"  Because after the forbidden fruit has been enjoyed, what is left for this illicit relationship?  More sex! Maybe! But here are some things to consider when answering "what's next?"

Will you be ready to leave your wife? your husband?

Will you be ready to take on some new kids?

Will you be ready to tell your kids about your "indiscretion?"

Will you be ready to lose a whole bunch of friends?

Will you be ready for divorce court, settlement of properties etc.?

My guess - most people enter into affairs without after considering the "what's next?" question!

After the moment of sexual bliss (oh please)  there will really not be much left! Relationships created in dishonesty don't usually do very well - and you will have encountered the displeasure of God on top of all that. 

"What's next?" I think it is a valuable, valid, and preventive kind of question to ask!